Manchester to Brighton: The marathon blog post

So if you follow me on Twitter or are friends with me on Facebook no doubt you’ve got fed up of my non-stop tweeting and posting about the Brighton Marathon. “Oh em gee I’m totes excited for the marathon”, “Just got a fly in my eye during my 18 mile training session – ROFL”, “Wowza, did I mention I’m doing a marathon?” Shut. Up. Already.

 If you’re friends with me in real life – you know, not from just behind your shiny mac, iPad, laptop, Blackberry – then no doubt you’ve also got fed up of me droning on about “oh no, I couldn’t possibly drink a drop of alcohol, I’m training for a marathon”, “It doesn’t matter if I eat ten whole pizzas, I’m burning soooo many calories during my marathon training”, “don’t you think I’m much better than you cos I’m doing this marathon and you’re just sitting your arse?”.


But rest assured people – it’s now over. And we can all go back to our usual lives without any more marathon chat. Well, once I can walk again and after this blog post is written / read, that is…


So what made me sign my life away to do the Brighton Marathon? Well, it all started last May when I took part in the Great Manchester Run with some of my colleagues. I’ve never been a runner. NEVER. Sure, I dabbled in the likes of hockey and netball at school, took myself off to the gym once in a while at uni to try and tone up the freshers wobble that was an infamous side effect of consuming a strict diet of full fat beer, fried foods and lard. But I was never one to break out much of a sweat (unless on the dance floor throwing shapes to dirty techno beats, but I’m not sure real athletes look at that sort of behaviour favourably).


But through training for the Great Manchester Run I went from managing to run for the 86 bus from Chorlton to Manchester city centre (OK, I’ve never actually ran for the 86… if I miss one, it just wasn’t meant to be. Why risk looking like a dick trying to run for the bus when you’re going to inevitably miss it and there’ll be another one along in six minutes anyway?) to being able to get around a 10k course dressed as a green superhero (or ninja, as some of the crowd thought we were).


The 10k was fun, the crowd great and my fitness had actually improved pretty quickly. Not bad this running malarkey, I thought. So I signed up to a half marathon and then the Brighton marathon.


So how did I get on? Here’s a mile by mile account (you lucky things):

Mile 1: Fuck, I’m already sweating and out of breath. Why did I sign up for this? WHY? I can’t run 26 miles. I’ve only ever done 18 miles. I. Am. An. Idiot.


Mile 2: Wow there’s a lot of people running this. They all look like proper athletes too. Except for that person dressed up as a rock. Or is it a tortoise? (It turned out to be a rhino).


Mile 3: Come. On. Surely I’ve done at least a mile by now?? I’ve not even seen ONE mile marker yet. “Lady with the posh GPS watch, where are we? Oh we’ve done three miles? That’s a relief”.


Mile 4: It’s not a relief, there’s still more than 20-odd miles of where that came from.


Mile 5: Yay there’s my mum, dad and Noel. Whoo – look at me, look at me!! Here! Yeh, here I am! I’m running – whooooo!!!!


Mile 6: Wow, there’s a lot of hills coming up. Where does that hill in the distance even end? I don’t think it does. It probably just falls off the side of the earth.


Miles 7 – 12: Really. Bloody. Hilly. I thought this was a “flat and fast course”. And mister “I’m a seasoned runner”, this bit isn’t “technically flat but with a bit of a gradient”, it’s a bloody mountain. Shut up.


Mile 13: Oooo Noel and my parents are going to be at the half way mark with the Parkinson’s UK supporters. Whoooo!! Where are they? Where? Helloooo???? Oh god, maybe I’ve missed them. Maybe I’m too slow and they’ve gone somewhere else. Probably the pub. Oh look there’s my mum and dad!! HIYA!!!! Where’s Noel?? Oh there he is. Why is he dressed as an Arab?? What’s he doing with my leopard print scarf wrapped around his head and neck? Jeez I’m delirious.


Mile 14: It’s really hot. I’m thirsty. And hungry. I’d murder a burger.


Mile 15: Wonder where my mate Woollven is? He said he’d be at mile 15. THERE HE IS!!! HIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Woollven!! WHOOOOO!!!!

Mile 16 – 17: Well look at all these spectators with their BBQs and booze drinking. Alright for some. Another jelly baby? Why not.


Mile 18: La la la, these caffeine blocks have definitely kicked in. maybe I’ll just eat shit loads of these before a night out instead of drinking vodka red bull? Ooo look there’s the parents again. HI! Bit hot innit??


Mile 19: This is WELL EASY. I’m gonna ace this.


Mile 20: This is not easy.


Mile 21: Ow.


Mile 22: Whimper.


Mile 23: Walk / limp.


Mile 24: COME ON NOT LONG TO GO.


Mile 25: Yaaaaay helloooooooo Noel and Woollven hanging outside of the hotel window. I can see you!!!! LOOK I’ve nearly finished!!!!!!!!

Mile 26: Run, run, run.

Mile 26.2: Slightly teary. Huge smile. Job done.

So there you go – that’s five hours and two minutes of my life summed up in 26.2 miles. My knees are buggered, my feet are blistered and I’m walking around like a knock kneed duck. Fab weekend though. And thanks to everyone who has sponsored me to raise money for Parkinson’s UK. If you still haven’t coughed up but you have a tickle in your throat – let it all out on my Just Giving page here.

OK, that’s me done with the marathon chat. Normal life can now commence. Until next time…(?)

Tune of the day...

A lil' bit of Cage the Elephant (Shake me Down) on this slightly grey hum dum of a Tuesday:

Tune of the day...

...from fab Manchester band Everything Everything - "Photoshop Handsome". Enjoy on this sunny spring afternoon.

PS - WEEKEND FEVER!!!!!!!!

Ouch... Manchester brand Henleys shows us how not to use social media

You may have heard the news this week that Manchester-based fashion brand Henleys is shutting all of its 18 stores across the UK and closing its retail arm with more than 200 job losses. The company, which in the past has been a firm favourite with chavs (am I allowed to say “chavs”? Is that derogatory? Ah well.), quite clearly thought social media could be part of its reputation management with its consumers.

On Tuesday, Henleys posted this on its Facebook page:

Well, that’s alright isn’t it? The chavs can still buy their luminous garments online.

Hang on a minute... Henleys – you did tell all your staff about what was happening and think about how they might have reacted to that status update, right?

Oh.

Perhaps some of your staff might have taken it alright though? Appreciated the fact you were using Facebook to tell the world where your at? What’s a-happening? What’s the 411? Yo yo. Keepin it real. Always look on the bright side of the Beetham Tower?

Ah.

Well, um, perhaps your staff can reflect on the good old days, the fun times they’ve had?

Hmmm. Not doing so well here.

At least you can still sell your quality garments to your customers.

Bugger.

Tune of the day...

...hearting this from the Pigeon Detectives ("Done in Secret"):

Jameson Cult Film Club comes to Manchester

A big (belated) thank you to Jameson Cult Film Club (and also Noel 'Filmrant' Mellor for taking me as his plus one!) for putting on a great evening at Manchester Academy 2 last Thursday. It really was a double decker of a Manchester entertainment sandwich. The bread and butter was the plentiful Jamesons cocktails that were in sweet (very sweet... almost sickly?) abundance (but I'm not complaining, I heart sickly abundance booze). The juicy filling started with a thin layer of Manchester band 1913 (think a moody, Editor-esque, Joy Division-inspired quintet...if they were a sandwich filling, they'd probably be tuna paste), followed by a screening of Anton Corbijn's Control (big fat slabs of good old cheddar cheese) finished off with a dashing off Clint Boon playing all your Manchester favourites (the pickle). Overall, a really enjoyable night - made even better because it was all free (recession proof fun!)! And a winning formula from the Jameson's Cult Film Club gang - they definitely know that Mancs are always hungry for Manchester-filled goodness.

Manchester International Festival line-up announced

So Manchester International Festival line-up was announced today – and wowza is it good! Björk will be gracing the city with her presence for three weeks for the world premiere of her Biophilia live show. There will be six shows taking place at Campfield Market Hall with audiences of 1,800. Expect homemade instruments, choirs, unusual use of technology and no doubt a fantastic light show to give a weird, wonderful and atmospheric ambience.

The lovely Damon Albarn will be showcasing his new project Doctor Dee, which is directed by Rufus Norris. According to the MIF site “Doctor Dee explores ritual and symbolism in this country, past and present, using John Dee – one of England’s greatest but largely forgotten men – as a catalyst.” Not sure what to expect here... opera? Accessible? Fun? Who knows... but will no doubt be more than interesting.

Snoop Daaawg is also hitting the Capital of the North to perform his debut album Doggystyle in its entirety. With special guests due to be Warren G, Daz Dillinger, RBX and Joe Cool, expect all the wannabe ghetto kids to come out of their wannabe slums (i.e. Chorlton) and pretend to be all gangster for the night. Now pull your pants up young boys.

No doubt tickets are going to be sold before I’ve had time to pick up the phone when they go on sale at 10am tomorrow. GUTTED that it’s a week until pay day and I won’t be able to buy tickets for all of the shows I want to go to (which is all of them).

Johnny Vegas, Sinead O’Connor and Victoria Wood are just some of the other acts confirmed for this year’s event. See the MIF website for full details.